Sexuality is far too fluid for me to pin point what I am. And who the fuck cares? But if you want to define me, or at least know what I’m most often attracted to, the answer would be androgynous women. I like dykes.
I’m going to start by saying it’s never a good idea to get involved with someone who says, “I’m going to break your heart.”
Because I thought I could handle it. I thought I was unbreakable. I said, “Bring it on. I’m ready.” And it wasn’t until today, not even five hours ago, that I realized how wrong I was to think I was that strong. That I could handle it. That I could be unbreakable. But our story was born in chaos. And things that start in chaos can only end in chaos.
I used to be so quick to judge the outside appearance of other people’s relationships. To spout nonsense about who was in the wrong and who was going to fuck shit up. Then I became the other woman. Then I fell so hard and so fast for her it turned everything in my life upside down. How do you love someone who goes home to share a bed with someone else? How do you not think about that other person who probably knows but says nothing? How do you hold onto your friendship after the truth comes to light?
It’s the loneliness that hurts the most. To know you’ve lost “your person” no matter how many times they told you it would happen this way. It’s shaking the numbness. The one that starts in your pinkies and trickles down to your elbows. When your eyes won’t focus on what’s in front of you. When your heart starts to beat too fast or too slow. When you realize you can’t ever see them ever again.
I don’t know how to get over a breakup because I’m still waiting to wake up and realize this was just a bad dream. I’m still waiting to realize that what just happened was real.
Ola Billgren (Swedish, 1940-2001), Nattlig växt III [Nocturnal plant III], 1991. Oil on canvas, 162 x 162 cm.
On the blog:
(sneak preview of new pants!)
Mmm yes please.